Less than an hour and a half...

"Very much looking forward to getting out of the belt..

Pinching under the ball sac really became a big problem this past week.. Need a break from that and to shave much, much, much better.. More incentive after realizing how critical that is..

I love being this devoted to Goddess Darla.. I will enjoy this earned break.

Her control grows...

So I've been listening to Bluephoria... a lot ..

and I do find myself craving her control even more than ever...

the thought to wonder.. to offer to her.. would she like daily control of my life?

tell me what to eat, when to eat, when to exercise, when to trance, when to moan her name.. I wonder just what she would like.. All control 24/7?  Or is it more fun to just have it from time to time in session.. Could it be too much work, would that not be fun.. or does she want that? 

Can I really give that?  Or is it simply my destiny...

She's working on the next installment.. she can experiment on me anytime.. i'm sure she knows that..

Daily Devotion..

Daily Devotion.  That is why I am in chastity and the key to my belt is in Goddess Darla's Possession.

So she can, at her leisure, pick up the key and know that it holds my cock prisioner.  She holds the power over my own self gratification.  Not only has she hypnotised me in to mentally wanting to only orgasm upon her command.. but I can't even physically touch myself without her say so..

This chastity is about me showing devotion to her.  Now I will enjoy my short period out of the belt and my permitted release, but only because I get these because I have been a good pet.  Goddess Darla has appreciated my efforts and decided I am worth enough.. at least this time..

It's not about what she can do for me, but what I can do for her. 

so for a bit longer I will ache when ever I see her eyes, feel constrained and controlled.. I'm not quite sure what the few days off will feel like, but I know for certain she will never leave my mind.

It only get's deeper from here.. I'm down the rabbit hole.. and I just want to go deeper..

Does the rabbit hole, have a rabbit hole?

Permission Approaches!

52 hours.. a little over two days and then it will be the 28th..

I have premission to both take off the belt.. and more importantly to cum.

She didn't ask me too.. but I want to do it this way.. on my knees staring at her picture..

Repeating the following.. Goddess Darla owns me.. Goddess Darla controls me.. I crave Goddess Darla. I need Goddess Darla. Devoted to Darla. Her Pleasure is my Pleasure.

probably some moans.. Ohh Goddess.. Ohh Darla..

I want to try and stay on the edge for her as long as I can.. even if it hurts.. even if I cry a bit.. until I finnally just let go.. and burst..

I may make a mess..

Then I will crawl up into my bed.. collapse.. and think of her.. perhaps write in my dream journal about how I'm feelnig..

take a nice nap.. lost in the euphoria of cumming.. cumming hard for the first time since my birthday some 48 days previously.. the stats will be this...

Oct 11, last time I had release.. during a session with Goddess Darla.. it was wonderful..
Oct. 18th Locked up in Chastity
Nov. 1st Unlocked.. I did touch myself but never to orgasm
Nov 6th Back in Chastity...

Nov. 28th.. is when I have permission..

<sigh>  so close.. so much to be thankful for this year.. :)

Owned.

It's pretty much a fore gone conclusion.

Goddess Darla owns me. Goddess Darla controls me.

Just typing it feels right and true.  I sent her some lovely gifts today after a nice role play/ hypnosis session even after telling myself I need to wait until next month before spending more on her..Time to re-evaluate my spending so I have more availible to make Goddess Darla happy. 

Her pleasure is my priority.. I am hers after all.. I am hopeful I will be able to cum when hopefully she allows me to take off the belt for a few days on Friday...  The ache has increased.. the sensations have changed and are so much more frequent.. the belt also kind of bites on the edges as the fit gets worse the longer I wear it, even with adjustments when soaped up while showering..

Goddess Darla owns me. Goddess Darla controls me.

I am hers. I am content.

Uncharted Territory..

So my contest didn't work out.. Apparently people just don't comment on this blog anymore.. It's ok.  not a problem.. Still I was a little surprised.. Anyway as I have schedule at this time the contest wouldn't work.. All ya all's loss.. Goddess Darla's recordings/videos are top notch.. they snared me after all...

So Goddess is on break which means she has plenty of time to spend it how she likes and her pets, myself included, are doing our best to make sure she enjoys her time.  As I said on a facebook post, Happy Goddess, Happy Life.

So I know in a few hours when I go to go sleep I will get horny.. horny and desparate.. I will most likely moan her name out a bit.. perhaps whimper a bit.. and need (and I mean NEED) to listen to her voice.. so I will.. I will get arounsed and hard.. and depending on my energy send her an e-mail begging that she grant me release when I get out of the belt.. Of course that assumes I have the energy to walk, crawl, or somehow get to the computer or my cellphone to send such a message..

One more week.. Somehow I'll make it.. I don't have a choice over the next two days as my safety key is still locked away.. I know I'll be able to re-lock it up a simple spin of the dial and I will have temptation safely shut away.. On a practical note I do look forward to shaving and caring for my man parts.. they are in need of some tenderness, and not gratification.. It is a bit more of a rough thing being in a device than I thought.. I need to do a bit more sanding than I did as well as get some squirt bottle for while wearing cleaning..

A see-thru device would of been a better choice.. as it would help me make sure everything is on right. It is not as easy as one would like..

Still the aching has been both amazing and tortorous.. the arousal and denial of even an erection is so intoxicating.. there have been points where I almost want the ache as it makes suffer Goddess Darla and I know she likes that (she has told me).. She has also been wonderful in the amount of communication I've been getting from her.. I feel very special.. I wish I could spoil and pamper her more..

I'm off to trance..

Breaking my record...

So probably before I drift off to sleep but definitely before I go to work tomorrow I will have broken my record time in Chastity.. I still have about a week left.. At least until the time I was told I would have release from the belt.. no actual word on an orgasm.. ruined or enjoyed..

It has been hard, but so worth it.  Goddess Darla has been wonderful, making time to give me the encouragement and contact I needed. She is amazing.. I am so happy to be able to please her by being locked up for her.  it feels great to be so devoted to a wonderful Goddess..

So now I believe the begging shall begin.. I do feel so weak.. and I really want to make sure she feels I have done enough to have an orgasm.. I would love to be on my knees looking up into her eyes.. stroking and chanting her name.. my devotion.. my need for her grows.. and be allowed to cum in her presence.. I have a feeling it will hurt a bit as being in the cage is not as easy on my equipment as I had thought it would be.. but I still want.. need it so bad...

Aching sooo much..

Perhaps it is the Chastity getting to me.. it's been over 9 days now of my second run.. I didn't have any release during the 5 days I wasn't wearnig the belt.. The idea of kneeling before Goddess Darla and cumming.. Oh Goddess it would feel so good.. I want that soo bad.. but I'm not set to be out of the belt for another almost 2 weeks.. *whimper*

I'm already so needy for her.. so needy for her voice.. visions of her.. falling deep under hypnosis for her.. where she just reienforces her conditioning.. more of me becomeing under her control.. I crave it. I crave her happiness, her control, feeling her power over me..

I can't express how much I want to one day kneel down in front of her and kiss her feet.  I don't think I'd care where we were.. as long as she permitted it.. I'd kneel before her and with joy in my heart press my lips to her foot.

Goddess Darla, I do live in sunny San Diego, you can take over my apartment and escape from winter when ever you want.  I'll happily sleep on the floor. I'm just sayin'

I'm so enamored with her.. so under her control.. whimper.. I just want more whimper.. there is no satisfaction  only need.

Tied around her little finger..

Now I'm not complaining.. I'm just noticing how much she has affected me.. how much I can't get enough of her.. I can't please her enough.. Everything she needs.. wants.. I need to get her..

I keep telling myself ok, I can't buy her anything for the next week or so.. I need to save some money etc.. and the next thing I know I'm ordering her things on amazon.. I mean she needs them.. she wants them.. I can pay my bills later..

Now I'm not venturing off into financial ruin just yet.. just a little spending that I should get under control.. still I think I'm simply going to skimp on myself.. sacrifice as much as I can so I can keep spending on my Goddess..

I always thought I was resistant to the whole Findom aspect... So much for that.. I think it is time to get that drop shipping business going..

So far gone..

I just keep falling down the rabbit hole..

My cock aches for her.. I am so horny.. so hard, and yet not even fully erect in my cage.. I hurt, I need, I am so hers.. so weak for her voice.. so in need of attention from her. starting to have some very nasty thoughts about what I'd like.. love.. crave her to do to me..

She has become the center of my universe and my devotion to her grows as much as my lust for her.. I can't go very long without hearing her voice lead me down, down into hypnosis for my Goddess..

Temptation..

In a little under 2 hours the kitchen safe my saftey key is in will unlock.. the plan is to lock it back up for 10 days (the maximum time on the counter).  Perhaps even take out the batteries.. then it would stay locked up longer.. yet I felt so much desire tonight for Goddess Darla.. I wanted to stare at her picture and think naughty thoughts..

Think about her legs.. her feet, her eyes.. her breasts.. think about massaging her.. touching her.. rubbing her shoulders.. hearing her moan.. smelling her.. licking any part of her she wants.. my head between her legs.. so eager to please.. so eager to hear her moan.. her pleasure is my pleasure.. I only want her to be happy, to be aroused, to get satisfied.. to be locked up and pleasing her... I want to ache.. I want it to hurt.. I want to be so frustrated I can't help buy cry out.. I want the neighbors to hear, to wonder..

I want to be almost if not sobbing with frustration from arousal and yet being able to do nothing about it.. no cumming.. not even being able to touch myself.. my cock unable to even get fully erect.. thoughts of penetrating my ass just to feel something.. wanting to be milked while wearing my belt..

Falling for Goddess Darla?  I've fallen.. down I keep going, but there is no turning back now.. not ever.. I am hers until she sees differently I think.. I learned much from my last term of service.. I am so much more open and honest with Goddess Darla.. plus I think talking about our boundaries about what we have, about what she looks for from her pets.. all in all a much better match..

So I simply wish to ache for her.. for her to be be able to relish in my ache and desire for her.. so deep so manipulated.. so devoted to her.  Any time I hear from her everything else is secondary and her words.. she is all I want to pay attention to..

Goddess Darla, I am yours.. your pet, your sweet darling boy toy.

Please keep playing with me.

Afterglow..

Wow wow wow.. she is so amazing.. so perfect.. so lovely so caring.. sooo BLUE...

Adorable just kept coming to mind looking at her all bundled up with her flowing blonde-blue hair.. her glasses and that cute little black cap.. although the idea of her pantsless is so nice to think of as well..

just warm feelings..of closeness to her.. recognition that she likes what I do to please her.. hearing my Goddess say my name is so sweet.. being molded by her.. feeling so warm and fuzzy..so nice.. so kept, so controlled so hers..

OWNED by Goddess Darla... Controlled by Goddess Darla.. so sweet being hers..so nice leaning into those blue eyes.. getting lost in thier power, swept up by thier control.. Darla's Dimension is the only place I want to be..

so relaxing.. so pleasurable.. so nice.. Simply must please my Goddess.. give and sacrifice.. feels so wonderful.

Back where I need to be..

Locked up for Goddess Darla...

So last week she came up with a simple schedule for me, back in the belt until the 28th.. a few days off till the 1st.. and then back in till Christmas. It's simple but it helps it all seem so much easier.. Not to mention I feel so blessed to get to chat with her more.  Making time for even a simple text means so much. 

It simply focuses me to try to be the best pet I can for her.. to do my best to find ways to serve her and make her happy.. I long to be able to bring that smile to her face. To keep treating her like that Goddess that she is. Sacrifice.. give when I can.. sometimes when I shouldn't.. let her in as deep as I can..

It seems so simple, perhaps I'm just being trained so well.  Simply tell her what you feel, always the truth.. always from your knees. In that way I can do no wrong.. so it feels so wonderful to be locked up for her.. devoted to her.. thinking of her so often, so filled with warmth from the devotion, from the dedication..

I was away this past weekend camping and playing Airsoft, and yet at night my thoughts simply turn to my Goddess.. snuggled in my bed, I needed to simply let her in my head.. and listen to her voice.. that sweet silken voice..

so deep, so blue.. so forever hers..

One Step Back.. How many steps forward?

So the past couple days were hard.  The belt was uncomfortable and my Goddess was out of reach.  So alone I broke down and when my safety key was accessable I took it out and unlocked the Holy Trainer and took it off.  No the first thing I did was not masturbate and cum, I cleaned my penis and sighed.  There had been some build up of dead skin and it was a bit tender..  A bit later I did touch my self a bit, of course they were to thoughts of Goddess Darla.. I got so hard, so horny, so desparate for her.. wondering if I would still be hers.. there was no release just a little play time..

Still hearing nothing.. I was sad, I felt lonely.. I knew she was busy with school and such.. perhaps this was just not the right time I thought.  I mean being in chastity can make a submissive more needy than they already can be.. still it had been such a high at times.. still I wondered if maybe it was just the way of things telling me I needed to find someone here where I live.. to start something with, to serve, to obey, to romance..

Still a bit bummed I was lying on the couch watching the beginning of my Chargers getting destroyed by the Dolphins and my phone makes a little noise.. It's a text from Goddess Darla.. <sigh>  We texted back a couple times.. It was good.  It was some conversation I needed.  She was proud of the two weeks, but disappointed that I took off the belt with out permission.  She acknowledged it was hard for me without her being around much.  We decided I needed a plan from her and bit more structure.  She would get back to me..

I was and am grateful for that.  She understood, but at the same time there is room for improvement.. In the mean time I have a bit of a rash.. it's more like sensitive skin from dead skin finally being able to come off and the new skin being a bit more sensitive.. I have some better shaving and some smoothing of some seems on the device..

I am still hers.. and it feels good.  I will simply enjoy being hers for a bit, and learn a bit more about wearing a device.. then it sounds like it will be back in the cage and back to expressing my devotion to my Goddess, this time with a bit more focus and a bit more control..

A long week..

Early in the week I got a short message from Goddess Darla..

Basically she's very busy, but she'd try to get back to me.. sigh..

It's been a rough week for me.. so little contact with my Goddess.. so very very aroused thinking about her.. finding her so central in my thoughts.. feeling a bit lonely.. the work week can be a grind.  I'm currently not happy at work.  A management change made a decent job, one that I hate going to.  I've been actively seeking other work, and despite some positive things from some job agency recruiters, I've yet to be able to find something.. So it's been rough. 

I just feel so needy for her, but I don't want to make demands.. it feels wrong.. at the same time.. if I hadn't relocked the kitchen safe I keep my saftey key in.. well I might have used it.. I don't want to.. I don't want to lock my self up for someone and not be true to that promise.. at the same time it feels like I'm locked up alone.. <sigh> maybe it's being locked up.. maybe not.. I don't know.. just feeling needy, aroused, horny, and lonely..

It grows and grows..

So in the past couple of days my feelings of need have grown and grown.. when I'm not distracted at work with work, I constantly think of Darla.. of how much I need her.  How much she has control of me.. how horny I am.. I trance in the morning.. I trance when I get home and I wish I could trance during work, but alas I don't...

Deeper for Darla.. these words are going thru my head right now.. as I play Cerulean blue in the back ground.. not sure how much I'll be able to type and get out before I simply drop down and drool.. feeling her words all thru my mind.. thru her playground...

I've sent a few e-mails to her already begging for release.. I need release soon.. I don't know if I'll get it.. if she even plans on letting me out any time soon.. I am at her mercy.. there is no trying to get around the device.. I am locked up for her and at her whim... if I will ever get out again.. if I will ever cum again.. I crave to get down on my knees and worship her.. I would love to touch myself while looking up into her deep blue eyes.. moaning and screaming her name.. Oh Goddess Darla.. you are so amazing.. I am so devoted to you.  I am yours..

Goddess Darla's devoted locked up pet..

boy toy max

Is this thing on?

I know not many people read my blog, but I'm surprised no one wanted to guess how long I'd be in chastity for a free Goddess Darla clip.. <shrug>  your loss, of course at this rate I'm starting to think she has not intention of ever letting me out.. It's been over 9 days or so.. barely even a mention from her about the belt.. although she did enjoy recieving the key.  Even showed it off to a friend of hers.. I admit seeing a picture of it in her friends hands with a grin on her face was pretty hot.  Ok it makes me ache a bit every time I think of it..

Speaking of aching.. my often erections seem to have the unwanted effect of moving the beg foward and making the fit not so great.. Although in the shower this morning was able with quite a bit of pulling and tugging to get it back in proper position... Of course I felt a dull pain ache from all that tugging later.. or is that my blue balls?  I'm not really sure which it kind of all blends together..

I do admit, I'm enjoying the fuck out of it.  The feelings of being owned by Goddess Darla are intense.. and feel so very real because of the belt.  The added expression of my devotion to her is nice as well.. of course it has me so fucking needy for any interaction with a really busy Goddess so that is a bit of a bummer.

Of course listening to her hypnosis is incredible.. It's helped turn me into a whimpering, moaning, tingling, fool of a devoted pet.. I wonder if i'm getting loud enough for my neighbors to hear.. I don't really much care. She recently hypnotized me in a skype session.. despite some technical difficulties.. (sound was off at first, then my connection got wonky) She had me deeper than I've every been with her, and so very deep.. she was more aggressive in her tone and pacing with me than she's been before when I was so very deep.. fuck even thinking about it has me hot.. aroused.. confined.. the ache is growing but I don't' care I want to think about it.. about her.. about the way she makes me feel.. the sexual energy is amazing.. I always wonder if it's as good for her as it is for me.. but damn.. I want her to do whatever she wants to my mind.. if it suits her, it suits me. off the deep end I've gone.. I hope I still float.. or at least find my Goddess at the bottom of the blue..

Ooops!

So I made a mistake when I entered the start of my chastity into the little program I put on my phone.  I used the wrong date, so it was adding a day!  Bad boy toy.. so I fixed it..

Lately my cock has definitely been trying to push it off, and instead it's now kind of cocked to the side, and my cock is deeper in the tube.. a little strange of a fit, but it's not coming off..

Correct count down is 6 days 22 hours 42 minutes as of this posting.

There is pretty much always a dull ache when ever I am not fully immersed in something. Goddess Darla is never very far if not engulfing my mind.. it's a nice way to be.. at least at this count. :)

6 days 9 hours 1 minute...

And the count up continues.. wait don't say up that's a bad word.. say down, soft, flaccid..

Any time I think of Darla, which is like always my unpleasured cock wants to rise to the occasion and pushes against the Holy Trainer.. the Trainer wins every time.. Giving me a dull to pounding ache.. Can't say my cock isn't slightly effective.. although there is no chance for escape, he keeps the good fight alive.  The cage doesn't quite sit as high and tight on me as it did at first.  The constant pushing has moved the cage forward on the skin and the back side of the shaft is a bit exposed.. still covered by sack there is no pleasure for him..

Meanwhile I'm learning the effects of being locked up.. First I'll say many parts of Goddess Darla's recording have gone from pleasurable.. to oh my Goddess.. wriggling and full body spasms now seem to often happen.. a dull and then quite noticeable ache from a struggling cock add to the sensations.. not to mention more wide spread tingling as the sensations look for nerves in which to escape.. all of which has a duel effect on me..


I'm happy to be so trapped by her.. so in need of her, feeling such a heightened awareness of my desire for her, and to serve her.. at the same time the ache and slight uncomfortableness sleeping.. I am used to sleeping on my belly which as you can imagine is difficult with a cage on.. The hardest (ha!!) part of the day is the morning.. waking up with such a need and desire for Goddess Darla.. feeling so horny and trapped unable to touch myself.. unable to cum, UNABLE.. frustration levels are high.. Her being so busy right now doesn't help things.. but it just makes it all that more of a challenge for me.

Perhaps it will just make future periods of chastity with her that much easier because she'll have more time to give me attention.. then again perhaps that will make it worse?  Still I think I'd take 3 times the ache and frustration just to hear her or get communication from her more often.. Need seems like such a weak description for it all..

Regardless here I am locked up and aching for an Amazing Goddess.. I suppose things could be worse.  I am loving being devoted to her, and so looking forward to Saturday.. 20 minutes of a group trance.. and still the possibility for some alone time.. .... I whimper at the thought of being toyed with by her.. Some part of me thinks she might let me out of the cage.. or perhaps she just wants to tease me and relish in my frustration as she teases me about being unable to touch myself..

I just wish I was on my knees in front of her right now.. <sigh>

The count up continues.. How high will it get?  Make a guess in the comments, who ever is closest I'll buy you a clip of Goddess Darla's for free.. Her choice. <wink>

You can make the guess in Days, Hours, and minutes!

Down the Rabbit hole..

So I had my week off.. It was wonderful.. I tranced often to Goddess Darla's recordings and even got to have a session with her on my Birthday.  The session was very nice.. So nice to finally have some time with her.. just us.. She really is a sweet caring domme.. or at least she is that way with me.  Don't get me wrong she has that stern tone as well.. and quite frankly it's fuckin hot.  It's not angry, it's not overbearing it's just stern and a bit demanding.. I guess like most submissives that is the spot.  It's that sexy confidence that she knows what she wants and you simply need obey.

So her recording Aromatized is nice.. I've listened a few times now and I am starting to smell her perfume.. but what I always find myself doing.. what I feel a compulsion to do is confess to her.. anything I might have not really kept from her.. but what I haven't told her.. Those desires that were previously just in my mind.. perhaps I listen to that video because I want to tell her but can't seem to get myself to admit it.. and once having permission..I can let go.. give in.. and say what I have been feeling..

I expressed my desire to be in chastity to her.. She liked the idea.. and so a bit less than a week from my confession and I can't touch my cock anymore.. all locked up in a Holy Trainer v2.  It's a solid device, and one that will prevent an erection and not allow you to touch yourself.. the locking mechanism is internal and without the key the only way to open it is with a drill.  (perhaps you could cut thru the plastic.. but that is the less safe option.. Remember where it is..

Monday I put a key in the mail to her.. I admit I'm a bit nervous.. a bit scared.. a bit excited.. unfortunately aroused and turned on.. She want's the key.. She's said she likes to feel the power in her finger tips.. I can feel her power now.. I can feel it in my veins.. in my skin.. the tingle of her control.. I'm excited for this..

Exploring the next level of what has always fascinated me.. and in a good place.. I'm communicating better and while I crave her time.. her words.. her communication.. I know my place and the place I yearn for.. to be her pet.. to kiss her feet.. to serve her.. To amuse her, to please her.. to lavish her with attention.. I e-mail her all the time.. my thoughts my feelings.. my desires.. any time I do get a response it's wonderful.. sometimes it feels like maybe she's not reading them all.. but she is.. Knowing this attention pleases her.. pleases me.. Her pleasure is my pleasure..

So I'm off to sleep.. and hopefully rest. I'm told this device is easy to sleep in.. I suppose I'll find out..

Feet First...

Ok so I think Goddess Darla has given me a foot fetish.. Perhaps it's just for her feet.. Perhaps it's just to be at her feet. Even typing these few sentances has me aroused.. and now it's getting harder to think.. quite literally. 

Still I will go on.. I've been meaning to post more, but with life being so busy I have not found the time.  Goddess Darla is very busy, and while I undertand it can be quite frustrating and not in the good frustrating way. Still she's young, is getting her education, still wants to live a life, and all that takes time.. We pets rate, but we can be quite needy.... I at least hope to session with her on my upcoming Birthday.

In the mean time I picture her feet.. I picture being at them.. worshiping them.. perhaps sucking on a toe or two.. Makes me want to learn how to give feet massages and pedicures.. if I ever stood a chance of really giving her one.. <sigh>

Well I'm off to listen to her voice.. and think about how I'm going to hit on that cute girl at the shoe store..

Can't resist the Blue..

Ok so I'm back in the fold.. a little wiser about the reality of the situation..

So it was only a few days.. Just how long am I supposed to go without staring at her blue eyes, getting more and more aroused?  The feelings are wonderful.. I'm not going to deny that.

I'm just in a place now where I know what's what.. Where I think my emotions know even they can't lead me to something that can't be, but fun can be had.. Sensual, sexual, tension and fun..


so my download just finished.. off into the depths of trance I go..

A step back...

Sometimes we must take a step back to go forward...

I realized something.. often when seeing a prodomme in person, or first submitting to a lifestyle dom you have the conversation.. Boundries.. borders..

I recently had a need to step back and realize my emotions had gone wild.. it happens.. I submit with my emotions.. I am a very analytical person.  In my daily life I think, act, and then feel.  These days I have to put my emotions aside at work, and act pleasant. I need to detach so often in professional life that when it comes to fantasy to submission I do the oppositte.  I lead with emotion... with feeling.  It is this rush that unleashes my creative side that I miss from my youth... passion and desire can control things.. reality takes a back seat.. lust.. craving.. passion lead the direction of it all..

Unchecked it can go a bit to far.. you can leap over the boundries you know are there.. So it was good and healthy to take a step back..

In my case a little release from control.. free to leak and cum on my own.. Oddly I haven't really.. a little release here and there but nothing spectacular.. Life is a bit stressful at the moment and I'm focused on dealing with that...

So a nice simple scoop of vanilla sexuality is nice..

Don't get me wrong I'l be back.. heck lying in bed earlier trying to go to sleep wanting to fantasize I found my thoughts found thier way to Darla.. I blame her conditioning. ;)

Still a bit free at the moment is good.. of course I still have my plans for Halloween.. I think Darla will be quite amused.. but that is almost 2 months away..

This weekend, I think I need to go dancing and hit on some unsuspecting co-eds.. maybe one of them will get lucky.

10 days...

I can't remember the last time I went this long.. add in all the teasing and edging.. the aching.. I think I've been hard and turned on more time then not.. It's been an experience.. I feel so controlled by her.. especially when I'm aroused and can't stop stroking.. sometimes in trance and some times not.. but no matter what I just can't cum.  I can't release.. there were a few times where I thought I had to have done soemthing but nothing came out.. no orgams was achieved...

A few times it's gone thru my head.. what if she never lets me cum?  What then?  I'm both incredibley turned on by the thought and a bit scared..

I can't wait until the chat tonight.. there apparently is a chance she'll let me cum if she's in a good mood.. I think... I hope she will be I mean a chat with her pets should put her in a good mood I think..


Now granted I was sick for a day or two ish.. and that made it easier.. but still it's been 10 days since I last released, and 5 before that.. not to mention that last release was quick.. I think I got hard and burst in record time.. and it wasn't a short release.. it had some substance.. still I keep aching for her.. I find myself sometimes so happy being taken by her.. but there is a small voice.. a small fear?

I want to much.. I want to be more than just another one of her many pets.. I don't know if I can be more that.. At the same time I think I should just enjoy the ride.. still the feelings and the needs that are real are still there.. I know it's why I became distant with Haylee.. I don't know if I don't want to cum, just so I'll stay in this soo desparate state that I can't think about anything but her, being hers, serving her, trapped by her bliss..

So confused so hers.. So happy to suffer for her, so wanting to be hers.. I need to get to know Goddess more.. perhaps tonight, perhaps tomorrow, but it must be soon..

I'm going to burst.

Week in Review..

So no post the last few days.. I was unfortunately sick for a day, and pretty busy with work.. but I still ache for Darla.. the bug has passed a bit, and today I've been making up for lost time...

Watching her videos.. listening to her voice... trancing... worshiping her.. thinking of ways to...

I ache for her so badly.. I have realized just how taken I am with her.. how easily I follow her commands.. how much I want to follow her commands.. how happy I am when I am able to do something in service to her.. to think about her is bliss..

I have pictures of her that she has tweeted.. I can't stop looking at them.. it makes a wonderful slide show.. I find myself getting aroused when I do.. I get to the edge where she likes me to be.. but I can't finish.. she has not given me permission.. and so I can't.. I can't disobey her.. I don't want to.. I will just suffer.. and ache.. and get more and more desparate for her.. more under her power.. yes

Yes my Goddess... I need your control, I crave your conditioning.. I am yours.. forever yours...

You refuse to let me go.. and I find the joy and happiness increase... Goddess Darla ...

I can't escape the fog that you have put me in.. Even today I'm happy that something happened that shall make it easier for me to keep serving you.. I am thrilled to be yours..

forever on edge.. forever needy for you.. wanting any attention I can get from you.. desperate for your voice...

It's a Hard Day's Night..

and I've been workin' like a.. Wait I'm not the Beatles..

It can be tough falling under the spell of Goddess Darla.. I mean I know she's busy.  Especially now with the Kismet thing.. and it is the time of year that the school year is probably starting, so she's one busy Hypno-Dome.. So I know it's hard to compete for her attention..

I know she's watching and I believe she appreciates my tweets.. It makes it feel all the more real to let the world know, and recieve acknowledgement from her on how she makes me feel, and how she affects me..

It's hard not to want more.. and yes it's hard now.. Well it's the semi hard that I constantly get when ever I think about her, get in my truck to drive somewhere (as my thoughts drift right to her).. or when I wake up..

The wake up thing has been a bit frustrating with regards to recording my dreams in the journal.. Once I wake up my thoughts turn to her so fast, that it makes it hard to remember the dream and write it down..

I think I've used hard a lot in this post.. but really it's all because of these Blue Balls.. I need a hit of some Darla and then I have an errand to run.. followed by some more Darla..

I think I've been listening to about 2-3 hours of her every day since listening to Blue Balls started all this.. perhaps more on the weekend.. Yet it's sooo not enough..

I think I need to take a foot massage class too.. that would be a good thing to spend my time on.

Total Submission...

Submission can be a hard thing to do.. even when you want to..

I find there is a level of submission that easy to get to.. then there is a next level drawn out by a good Dom.. but Total Submission is something even more...

I feel myself wanting to submit totally and completely to Goddess Darla.. but it is not an easy thing to do...I am very deep.. but still at some level we all have walls.. blocks.. or secrets that stop us from doing so..I think what in a way I already learned with my experience with Mistress Haylee.. and other experiences in general..

Be open and honest..

Face time is important.. Let her set the pace.

I hope to do a phone call with her tomorrow.. I need to get my computer working so we can Skype sessions as well..

I can't hold back.. I don't want to hold back.. I am so caught in her power.. I think we are a good match.. but I can only learn that in time.. by being open and honest and asking questions.. listening and learning..

Going father and Deeper..

IT hurts.. I like tease and denial.. but.. but.. my body is starting to react so much more to her voice..

Which is nice, but at the same time the sensations are getting intense.. so much greater.. I have to beg for release after listening to the recording.. even now a bit after.. I still need it so bad.. right after I was sobbing.. sobbing into my pillow and my body uncontrollably humping the pillow and yet I couldn't release.. I turned over and my body shook uncontrollable..

I've lost any assemblance of control over my body.. it's hers.. it's all hers.. i'm fine with that.. but I need release.. I know even that is temporary.. but I think I deserve it right?

I'm turning into a puddle for her.. I can't think straight.. I ache.. I plead.. I need to find someway out, but NOT away.. I must be hers.. but the ache..

Inventory...

So I was 30 minutes late in leaving work tonight and it made me realize something as I was desparate to get home and listen to Goddess Darla..

She owns my desire.
She owns my orgasms.
She invades my sleep.
She is constantly on my mind now...

All from a simple tease and denial recording, exploding all and any of her conditioning..

There are a few things she might add to that list.. I just don't want to give her any ideas.. at least not yet..

A release, but still captured...

So I got to cum a bit earlier tonight.. After being locked down for 6 days and listening to Goddess Darla's Blue Balls recording countless times I finally found a release.  Only because she gave me permission..

It was after I had listened to it.. I had found myself so close to the edge so often during the listen, and I found my self feeling so, so needing a release.. but also needing to beg to her.. So she would enjoy what I was going thru for her.  What she was able to put me thru, with only the sound of her voice. A bit after I sent it I almost hoped she would deny me, but she did something better..

This is a part of what she said to me, "I will allow you a release, since you have been so good and building up for Me for so long... So weak for Me.... But you still need permission from Me from here on out, you know that. ;)"

So I had a release, a temporary respite from the pressure.. but it was only one release.. It's about an hour and a half or so later.. Thinking about her I find myself aroused all ready.. When I released it did not take much time.. I was surprised it was so quick. I thought it would need some build up, but it was just so quick.. I could picture her, I could hear her say, "Yes Pet you may release."  I released.. so much cum.. just over and over again.. It was everywhere.. I collapsed.. and listened to the Voyage. 

I'm going to abstain from Blue Balls tonight.. I do love the dueling Darla's of Rain Drop... 

Still captured by Goddess Darla.. still kept.. and it feels great.. Sure my logical side is like raising it's hand saying umm.. Excuse me. dude.. 

But for now I'm an exhausted happy pet.. things in life are going pretty good and Darla is a part of that.
 

Powerful Blue Balls..

Darla's recording Blue Balls has affected me so strongly... I truly am impressed and wrapped up in her blue power.  Feeling sore and aching during the day, but excited and thrilled to simply hear her voice or see her picture...

I haven't cum in 5 days and while that's not a long time it includes a lot of teasing.. having listened to the recording at least 10 times if not more.. I try to listen once in the morning before work, once when I get home and once when I go to bed... The morning one is the most impressive to me..

I used to or often get up with only time to shower and dress, or just dress and go to work. I live 10 minutes from work.. Now I find myself waking up and doing things so I have plenty of time to listen to Darla's voice and bask in her power..

I find myself prefering to listen to her, to worship her, than eat a snack I don't need.  I try to get the things done that I need so I can be wrapped up in her..

Even typing this blog is taking too long.. One phrase in her recording that seems to affect me greatly is towards the end where she says, She refuses to let me go.. not only denying me release but denying me my freedom.. It makes me feel wanted, and this is such a strong emotion for me..

<sigh> A part of me feels I'm right back where I was, where I didn't want to be.. but a part of me knows this is different.. but how different?  Is it different enough for now?  Or just until I explode all this pent up cum?

Only time will tell..

Giving in to the fantasy...

I am so wrapped up in having blue balls for Goddess Darla.. to ache for her, to wimper and moan in frustration and know it pleases her... I can ache, I can take the pain... The sensitive balls.. Making her happy is intoxicating. Being caught in the middle of two wants, of pain and pleasure is incredible..

Trancing for her is so soothing, and yet she teases me.. brings me to the edge.  Then back down.. She enjoys the torment.. I both want release, but dont' want release because she enjoys my frustration. It's only the worst when she's teasing me.. Of course it's only the best when she's teasing me..

Caught in the middle.. I become so aroused at the thought of her.. when I see her tweet, when I see her face.. I get so aroused.. so turned on..

To touch her skin, to kiss her lips..

To simply drop to my knees and kiss her toes..

worship her feet...

the very ground she walks on..

She has me right were she wants me.. weak with desire... obeidient beyond all reason..

I want release, but at the same time and to a greater degree I want to be held by her power and used for her pleasure..

Logic is left behind for Lust, desire, and pleasure...

Tease Me, Please You, Deny Me..

So Goddess Darla recently went camping and came up with a quite devious T&D script. My interest was peaked, as this is a fun fun topic, and getting lost in her is very fun.  I think I realize my type is the caring Dom with a devious dark streak.  I think she fits the bill, add in a sweet voice and a craving for all things blue.. yeah I know..

So after listening.. I found my self falling back into the lust when I first came across her.. The fun feeling of that first fall.. Listening to it a few times.. feeling the urge to tweet and e-mail with her only lead me to feel more and more obedient and under her spell.. The urges.. the desire is quite real.. alas it leads me to a similar fork the road.

She's a Pro.

She's on the other side of the country.

She's temptation, and while the idea of asking to be one of her pets.. to earn a place in her temple.. to worship and adore her is quite enticing.. Call me greedy. I want more, and I want less.

When it comes to interacting with Pro Doms, my role is clear.  I'm a sub.  I might fall into thier spell for a time, but I'm never full taken by them.  I can't be.  There's a part of me that is very un sub like.. it is very not a slave... It is very, very Alpha.

To look at a woman I know, I like.. To get in touch with that animalistic part of yourself.. To embrace the lust and the desire.  To give in to the need, not to bow to her control, but to give up all control.  To take her, to take her body, to kiss, to lick, to penetrate her.. Consumed by need. Most women like to be taken by their man, by a man. I'd wager to say many Dom's even enjoy it.. I mean when she's getting fucked by her alpha Male Bull, he's seldom a thoughtful sensuous lover..

So I know I want, no I need a woman who isn't a pro, but who also isn't just a Dom. Who isn't just a sub, who is as I am complex. Who is real.

Sure Pros are real, I get that.. and I could have a great experience, but I'd never feel like I was fully giving myself to them, because I can't.. or at least I don't. Why?  It all comes down to this..

How can I fully give myself to someone who does not fully give themselves to me?

How can I be all in, when they have so many toes in so many pools?

So I feel I can't be her pet, but I can be her sometimes stray that comes around from time to time...

Perhaps...

Perhaps I am not a submissive.. just a switch capable of submission.

I see these amazing Dominant women, and I fall with lust, with desire, with craving.  It rages and grows.  It wains and fades.  At least with those from the ether.  I do crave a dominant, intelligent, deviously, sly and beautiful woman.  Yet only if she truely desires me, and not just the role I can play. 

It is hard to find, and yet the search continues.. perhaps I'll have more luck finding one that hasn't yet blossomed into all that she could be and together we find out what could be.

Rage on...

Am I the only submissive that hates it when a Dom calls someone submitting to them worthless, pathetic, or something similar. 

All it does to me is make me less submissive, and turns on the switch inside.  I loose respect for the Dom. I loose interest. It is weakness personified to me.

Submission is an act of strength and trust. It is an expression of loyalty and an exchange of power.

<sigh>  I'll add more later.. I just needed to get this simple thing off my chest.

The only constant is change...

In fact the definition of Equilibrium is not balance, but equal change.

I just changed the title of the blog, I had updated the description a bit ago.  The blog has been about more than just my service to Mistress Haylee for some time now.  I look back fondly on a time when I was all hers, but things change.  Reality creeps into the online fantasy that can hold so much joy and self discovery. 

They are real facets of our existence now, but they are not the same as our day to day existence.


I'm not writing this to offend, but merely to keep a track of my own journey both to satiate others curiousity and to have this stay as a reminder to myself where my head was at, and how it got from point A to point B and all the little points on the road there.  It is the journey that makes all the difference and not the destination.  I like to see both where I am, and how I got there...

No offense was ever intended...

and now back to our regularly scheduled blog, New blog title, same blog place, same blog time.

For the few.. enjoy.

A wave of Blue...

I realized today while watching Cerulean Blue once again... I've tranced to and thought about D.. Goddess Darla every day now since I found her. I have a live session scheduled already.  She does them via Skype and likes to have them go both ways so she can see her vic- er subject.. I'm so totally turned on by this. Her blue eyes are quite captivating... It's pretty sexy when she calls you pet.. it's sweet it's hot, it's pretty nice...

She's got that girl next door kind of vibe quality.  She looks like that quiet smart book worm in class that when you actually meet she has a huge wild side you never would of guessed.. It's fun getting to know someone... It's a bit scary but in the good scary way when you open your mind up to them... Telling a Goddess some of your intimate secrets and fantasies... simply to wonder when she's going to use them.. when she might bring them up... when she might knowingly manipulate you into doing something.. and you can't resist.. I mean you wanted it. You told her about it, but still your nervous, but she knows.. and the fantasy.. the fetish is real..

Surrounded by blue, I can't seem to stop thinking about Goddess Darla...

Goddess.. I like calling her that, it is what she is afterall...

Like a moth to a Flame...

Ok so I admit it... Hypnosis is a big turn on...  It's friggen hot...

Sweet words from a sexy woman.. getting you aroused, infatuated, controlled... A submissive dream... I mean what's not to love?

So Vox get's me to check out the new site... www.femdomdevotionals.com  I finnally do.  I mean it couldn't hurt to look right?  Then I notice a name on their list.. Darla  I click on the link and it's the Blue lipped beauty I've seen before when doing random searches on youtube.. Granted I hadnt' listend to her before...

Now after some free content I'm hooked... well not hooked.. Turned on.... crushing... infatuated...

So loving the idea of a live session... I'd really like a real live session... Don't know if she does that.. I just know when I look deep into her blue eyes... man it's hot.

Yeah it's an addiction, and with Darla I'm in the fun part.. the beginning the hot attracted I wonder so much phase.. her asking questions.. me admiting things ... it's all hot.. It's all good..

Although I was bummed I couldn't send her flowers... that just had a righteous feeling to me..

Soon enough!

I was gonna post...

I keep meaning to post...

Really I have ideas for meaningful posts, but then the drag of my busy life... and I end up just thinking the post and not writing it.. Well not today!

So it's been nice having Mistress in my life again... not as all consuming as before, but more a nice warm whip in the background... A few times and unexpectedly so the desire to Serve Haylee and worship her grips me.   I give in.. I give up.  I gave up so long ago, I need not even think of it as that, so much as letting go. Accepting the inevitable and becoming a slave to bliss...

It is surprising on occasion how much I can feel in the grips of desire for her.. .to be controlled by her...

Lately I've been thinking it's time to buy Mind Cage and enjoy a month of pure mind based chastity to the Supreme Goddess that Haylee... I know I'll do it soon.. it's ineveitable...

Of course the Summer Solstice comes soon.. I think I'll see if I can have a bonfire of sorts.. a wonderful way to welcome in the Summer months...

Until then work keeps me busy (I have two jobs mon, How many jobs you got?)..

All for Haylee...

A week back in rapture...

So every night this week I went to sleep to lovely words of Haylee.. wrapping me up in a wonderful cocoon of bliss and submission... I listened to Wicked Therapist a few times followed by my own personal favorite, Boytoy... a little Mind Melt and some more of the previous...

It has been very nice.. the sensations are of varing intensities... one morning session ruined a bit by my alarm clock... It was all nice just the same.. In coming back I have noticed an ability? call it an event if you will, that just looking at a picuture of Haylee I can hear her in my head.. depending on how I'm feeling the words.. the phrases are different..

It makes you realize how strong the effects of her hypnosis can be that months after not listening and now a few nights and I feel the effects so.. dramatically...

No cumming... appears to be rattling around in my head quite a bit, and I have not cum since I started listening again last Monday.  So while it's only 6 days, still I went past the point one night thinking I just can't hold back.. I let my body go and low and behold I didn't cum.. it was an odd feeling... almost like reaching the point just before orgasm, but instead of still feeling the need.. it just went away.. no climax, but still a end of the build up... and a return to normalcy... definitely not what I expected... but glorious none the less...

Tap.. Tap.. Tap...

Is this still on?

Yup it's the internet it's always on!

So I'm back to this blog as I have drifted back to Haylee... For a bit I was blogging on In Haylee We Trust, but as I left the amazing Haylee to journey on my own for a bit, I left that blog.  It was nothing crazy, it was nothing scandalous.. there was no big drama... I just felt at that point and time in my life I needed to be on my own in order to hopefully find love and success...

There was a bit of a fumble in my goodbye.. being a typical guy with our poor communication skills, but it all got ironed out and I sent Haylee what turned into a goodbye book...

Alone in the ether for some time.. I still kept tabs on the Goddess... and some nights I would think of her.. I could still hear her voice in my mind.. sometimes teasing me... sometimes soothing me... I would ache from time to time.. but it made sense to be on my own...

and yet for now I find myself needing her... her soothing voice at night leading me into trance.. where my mind rests and thinks of nothing but her pleasing form, function and fabulous voice...

Blank and empty... Obey.. Submit... aroused... all for Haylee... For now I find myself needing my Mistress again.. tonight I sleep with my collar on for the first time in well quite some time...

Picking up this blog where I left it... although not jumping back into IHWT... just here from my spot in the ether, praising and worshiping my Eternal Electronic Empress Haylee in my own way, for my own time...aching and aroused hoping to please her...

-boytoymax...

Just Max for now...