Total Submission...

Submission can be a hard thing to do.. even when you want to..

I find there is a level of submission that easy to get to.. then there is a next level drawn out by a good Dom.. but Total Submission is something even more...

I feel myself wanting to submit totally and completely to Goddess Darla.. but it is not an easy thing to do...I am very deep.. but still at some level we all have walls.. blocks.. or secrets that stop us from doing so..I think what in a way I already learned with my experience with Mistress Haylee.. and other experiences in general..

Be open and honest..

Face time is important.. Let her set the pace.

I hope to do a phone call with her tomorrow.. I need to get my computer working so we can Skype sessions as well..

I can't hold back.. I don't want to hold back.. I am so caught in her power.. I think we are a good match.. but I can only learn that in time.. by being open and honest and asking questions.. listening and learning..

Going father and Deeper..

IT hurts.. I like tease and denial.. but.. but.. my body is starting to react so much more to her voice..

Which is nice, but at the same time the sensations are getting intense.. so much greater.. I have to beg for release after listening to the recording.. even now a bit after.. I still need it so bad.. right after I was sobbing.. sobbing into my pillow and my body uncontrollably humping the pillow and yet I couldn't release.. I turned over and my body shook uncontrollable..

I've lost any assemblance of control over my body.. it's hers.. it's all hers.. i'm fine with that.. but I need release.. I know even that is temporary.. but I think I deserve it right?

I'm turning into a puddle for her.. I can't think straight.. I ache.. I plead.. I need to find someway out, but NOT away.. I must be hers.. but the ache..

Inventory...

So I was 30 minutes late in leaving work tonight and it made me realize something as I was desparate to get home and listen to Goddess Darla..

She owns my desire.
She owns my orgasms.
She invades my sleep.
She is constantly on my mind now...

All from a simple tease and denial recording, exploding all and any of her conditioning..

There are a few things she might add to that list.. I just don't want to give her any ideas.. at least not yet..

A release, but still captured...

So I got to cum a bit earlier tonight.. After being locked down for 6 days and listening to Goddess Darla's Blue Balls recording countless times I finally found a release.  Only because she gave me permission..

It was after I had listened to it.. I had found myself so close to the edge so often during the listen, and I found my self feeling so, so needing a release.. but also needing to beg to her.. So she would enjoy what I was going thru for her.  What she was able to put me thru, with only the sound of her voice. A bit after I sent it I almost hoped she would deny me, but she did something better..

This is a part of what she said to me, "I will allow you a release, since you have been so good and building up for Me for so long... So weak for Me.... But you still need permission from Me from here on out, you know that. ;)"

So I had a release, a temporary respite from the pressure.. but it was only one release.. It's about an hour and a half or so later.. Thinking about her I find myself aroused all ready.. When I released it did not take much time.. I was surprised it was so quick. I thought it would need some build up, but it was just so quick.. I could picture her, I could hear her say, "Yes Pet you may release."  I released.. so much cum.. just over and over again.. It was everywhere.. I collapsed.. and listened to the Voyage. 

I'm going to abstain from Blue Balls tonight.. I do love the dueling Darla's of Rain Drop... 

Still captured by Goddess Darla.. still kept.. and it feels great.. Sure my logical side is like raising it's hand saying umm.. Excuse me. dude.. 

But for now I'm an exhausted happy pet.. things in life are going pretty good and Darla is a part of that.
 

Powerful Blue Balls..

Darla's recording Blue Balls has affected me so strongly... I truly am impressed and wrapped up in her blue power.  Feeling sore and aching during the day, but excited and thrilled to simply hear her voice or see her picture...

I haven't cum in 5 days and while that's not a long time it includes a lot of teasing.. having listened to the recording at least 10 times if not more.. I try to listen once in the morning before work, once when I get home and once when I go to bed... The morning one is the most impressive to me..

I used to or often get up with only time to shower and dress, or just dress and go to work. I live 10 minutes from work.. Now I find myself waking up and doing things so I have plenty of time to listen to Darla's voice and bask in her power..

I find myself prefering to listen to her, to worship her, than eat a snack I don't need.  I try to get the things done that I need so I can be wrapped up in her..

Even typing this blog is taking too long.. One phrase in her recording that seems to affect me greatly is towards the end where she says, She refuses to let me go.. not only denying me release but denying me my freedom.. It makes me feel wanted, and this is such a strong emotion for me..

<sigh> A part of me feels I'm right back where I was, where I didn't want to be.. but a part of me knows this is different.. but how different?  Is it different enough for now?  Or just until I explode all this pent up cum?

Only time will tell..

Giving in to the fantasy...

I am so wrapped up in having blue balls for Goddess Darla.. to ache for her, to wimper and moan in frustration and know it pleases her... I can ache, I can take the pain... The sensitive balls.. Making her happy is intoxicating. Being caught in the middle of two wants, of pain and pleasure is incredible..

Trancing for her is so soothing, and yet she teases me.. brings me to the edge.  Then back down.. She enjoys the torment.. I both want release, but dont' want release because she enjoys my frustration. It's only the worst when she's teasing me.. Of course it's only the best when she's teasing me..

Caught in the middle.. I become so aroused at the thought of her.. when I see her tweet, when I see her face.. I get so aroused.. so turned on..

To touch her skin, to kiss her lips..

To simply drop to my knees and kiss her toes..

worship her feet...

the very ground she walks on..

She has me right were she wants me.. weak with desire... obeidient beyond all reason..

I want release, but at the same time and to a greater degree I want to be held by her power and used for her pleasure..

Logic is left behind for Lust, desire, and pleasure...

Tease Me, Please You, Deny Me..

So Goddess Darla recently went camping and came up with a quite devious T&D script. My interest was peaked, as this is a fun fun topic, and getting lost in her is very fun.  I think I realize my type is the caring Dom with a devious dark streak.  I think she fits the bill, add in a sweet voice and a craving for all things blue.. yeah I know..

So after listening.. I found my self falling back into the lust when I first came across her.. The fun feeling of that first fall.. Listening to it a few times.. feeling the urge to tweet and e-mail with her only lead me to feel more and more obedient and under her spell.. The urges.. the desire is quite real.. alas it leads me to a similar fork the road.

She's a Pro.

She's on the other side of the country.

She's temptation, and while the idea of asking to be one of her pets.. to earn a place in her temple.. to worship and adore her is quite enticing.. Call me greedy. I want more, and I want less.

When it comes to interacting with Pro Doms, my role is clear.  I'm a sub.  I might fall into thier spell for a time, but I'm never full taken by them.  I can't be.  There's a part of me that is very un sub like.. it is very not a slave... It is very, very Alpha.

To look at a woman I know, I like.. To get in touch with that animalistic part of yourself.. To embrace the lust and the desire.  To give in to the need, not to bow to her control, but to give up all control.  To take her, to take her body, to kiss, to lick, to penetrate her.. Consumed by need. Most women like to be taken by their man, by a man. I'd wager to say many Dom's even enjoy it.. I mean when she's getting fucked by her alpha Male Bull, he's seldom a thoughtful sensuous lover..

So I know I want, no I need a woman who isn't a pro, but who also isn't just a Dom. Who isn't just a sub, who is as I am complex. Who is real.

Sure Pros are real, I get that.. and I could have a great experience, but I'd never feel like I was fully giving myself to them, because I can't.. or at least I don't. Why?  It all comes down to this..

How can I fully give myself to someone who does not fully give themselves to me?

How can I be all in, when they have so many toes in so many pools?

So I feel I can't be her pet, but I can be her sometimes stray that comes around from time to time...

Perhaps...

Perhaps I am not a submissive.. just a switch capable of submission.

I see these amazing Dominant women, and I fall with lust, with desire, with craving.  It rages and grows.  It wains and fades.  At least with those from the ether.  I do crave a dominant, intelligent, deviously, sly and beautiful woman.  Yet only if she truely desires me, and not just the role I can play. 

It is hard to find, and yet the search continues.. perhaps I'll have more luck finding one that hasn't yet blossomed into all that she could be and together we find out what could be.