The Sides of ourself..

I've always been.... into the kinky aspects of sex.  I've always been a deep thinker when it comes to the roles that society has us play.  I've always been attracted to powerful, confident women.  When I was young I didn't know what to make of it, Did it mean I was submissive? What did that mean? Was I weak? Was I stupid?

I was an outcast in my High School.  I was that smart, scrupulous, nerd, who was huge and had a big temper.  I didn't run with the cool kids.  I didn't get beat up, but I got made fun of. My friends were smart, or outcasts, or criminals. The cool kids mostly left me alone if they knew what was good for them.  At least this was me in my neighborhood, in the school I attended. 

In my social circle I was a Leader.  I was one of the responsible ones, who would drive the drunk idiots home.  I didn't drink, but I didn't look down on those who did. I'd even say I was cool.  I was liked by the girls, at least as far as they needed/wanted a friend or a nice guy to chat with.  They didn't date me.

In the darkness, home at night alone, I explored my desires.  Strong women turned me on.  I was on the internet before most people knew what it was, even before the AOL days. I found Female Domination writing.  In fact I used to get unbelievable hard reading the works of Akasha.  In the beginning she posted on alt.femdom, these days she has her own website just use google. I even wrote the beginning to an ambitous story once and sent it to her.  To my joy she responded... I wish I had finished it.  I wish I still had the beginning of it.. <shrug>

After many years I realized I considered my self a switch, who prefers to be submissive.  I consider my submission to be a choice.  I don't address every dominant woman I meet by Mistress, nor would I even act submissive towards them.  Kind considerate, a gentleman, yes, but not submissive.  To do so in my opinion would be bold, and weak.  It would be a selfish act, to do so towards someone I don't know, to whom I don't have a relationship with.

So when I submit to Haylee, when I came to call her My Mistress... Just that is a joy.  Every time I put on my collar it is that physical reminder of not only her dominance over me, but her acceptance of my submission and devotion to her.  While she is not my future mate, she is my Mistress.  I explore, in a real way, my submissive desires and feelings, getting in touch with parts of me that I wouldn't be able to without her.

So thank you Mistress, thank you for what you do.  From time to time I can't help but emotionally crave more, but as the emotion subsides and the logic returns I realize what we do have, and I am content once again.