A Domme crush or a Domme to crush me?

I'll admit I've bounced from Mistress to Mistress now.. not really bounced just crushing on one then another until I find some reason to move on.. they are not Darla, it's not a good fit, i really should just find a relationship be it kinky or vanilla...

Just strolled into Goddess Valora.. been watching her clips... just exchanged a few messages... not sure if we'll talk.. not sure if I really want to.. I mean I crave  to, but should I?  Does it matter either way?  Such confusion..

Life is so busy, so crowded as is..

She's dominant, secy as hell, and has a sweet voice.  She does live sessions and apprently is committed to the Fetish life.  Of course she's in Florida and isn't a trained hypnotist.. while her hypnosis clips are nice... there isn't the skill level I've gotten used to.

Still, watching her clips does give that familar feeling.. more fueled by the dominance and my prior training than anything...

Only time will tell.. I don't have much these days with work and leading up to an Event in the desert that takes a lot of prep time..

Long time no post..

So I've been meaning to revist this blog...  lately I've had a lot of thoughts and feelings and no real outlet to let them on..  When last I left this blot Goddess Darla had returned to the scene from her break.  She was recharged at first and got busy making new content.  At first I sessioned often.. I forget why I slowed down the live sessions.. I think with work it got harder to schedule them as I was always fighting the time zone and just schedule issues... But deeper I went, and deeper I remain.

It was a bit of a shock and a surprise. I got a PM from Goddess and she was leaving the scene again.. this time for good apparently... Not much notice really a day or two.. Then when she went she removed her presence online. There still are a few remants.. but not much. Sadly even the good bye message dissappeared.

Honestly I was a bit heart broken.  She had grown to mean a lot to me. I mean what we had was both real and not real at the same time. I know it was something I was paying for, but at the same time she filled such a void in my life.  She inspired me. Helped give me the will power to follow my doctors diet. I got off medication went from 275 to 235, and was working out 2-7 times a week.. I was feeling great. 

She was gone. She is gone. I was always a bit worried she'd burn out.  She has a tendancy to jump full force into something, and I understood why she left... Not that understanding meant I liked it.  It's like when she live streamed on twitter I think it was once.. So many random assholes on there that I knew some douche bags would mistreat her in a way she did not deserve. She is a dominant woman, but I still have 20 more years of experience on this planet.. Still it makes me sad...

I send her an e-mail everyone once in a while... still I don't really want to bother her in her life. It's not like a I have a right to know anything about it. I still crave details. I would love to just talk with her about nothing but her life. How well it is or isn't going.  She still means so much to me. I still listen to her recordings or watch her videos.. I can't seem to replace her with other hypnodommes... I think it's too late for me.. Her programming is just too deep.. it was too amazing of a connection. All I want is a clone of Goddess Darla..

I know I should move on.. but I just can't seem to. I will for a bit and then the urge comes and I'm like an addict on a bender.. the next thing I know I have my old collar on, headphones, and such an ache between my legs.. unable to get relief unable to be locked up under her supervision.

So much I want to ask in an e-mail.. so much I never send.

Catching Up Part 2..

So Goddess was back and she started reoganizing her presence online and releasing new clips.. I would race home on days that she put out a new clip. Often paying and starting the download process while still at work, so when I got home I could start listening as soon as possible... It was wonderful to feel to close to her again. To be able to tweet about how she made me feel, about how much I adored her, how weak she made me feel, how unbelievably good she made me feel.  All with such simple ease and artistry...

Down, down, down, I fell.. Up, Up, Up, she worked me... quickly I ordered a new pair of sleep headphones so I could relax in bed with her voice in my ears, bouncing back an forth inside my mind.. her playground. Her wish list was revamped, and I spent time looking at things that would make her happy.  So pleasurable to please her once again... Such a joy to send her things once again. From the littlest gift to the biggest one, she was always appreciative of what I or any pet would send her. That quality in her is one I cherish, as she recognizes each act a submissive commits...

Deeper for my Goddess I fell, giving in to her power, conditioning to her voice.. soon she was my morning, daily thoughts, and night.. it was wonderful to find myself within the blue once again..

Inspiration of the Blue

Deep.

Deeply connected to her desires, her power sweeps thru me, around me.
She controls me so completely.
Even now while she is barely here.
Her voice echos in my mind, her visage emblazened in my mind.
Deep and Blue. Weak and submissive.

She owns me.
My Body.
My Mind.
My Soul.
I am no longer anything unless I am hers.

In this submission my worth grows.
Cared for, inspired, guided forward.
My true potential starting to emerge as I reconcile with my true nature.
My own Power being realized in the shadow of her favor.

Strength thru submission. So I fall, again and again. Deeper and Deeper.
The need, the desire, the ache all increasing..
Every winding this path she set before me.
Things I could never do, now are common place, and yet...

It get's harder. Tested by time and distance and the unknown..
Still I know, She is wise, powerful, intelligent, captivating.
I am her captive, without physical bonds I am still tied to her.

For now, Forever hers.



Kneel
Give
Worship
Obey
.........................................................................Hers.

Catching up Part 1..

So much to catch up... there are some recent reasons for me returning to my blog. Most of which will become played out as I catch up on where I am in my hypnotic journey, and how I got here from my last post in November of last year and now here nearing the End of May.

So in case you are reading this and not aware, Goddess Darla came back to the Online Hypno scene.. Actually she came back with a vengence. She was able to commit much more time to it.  I have been thrilled.  I was so thrilled when she first came back.

As one of her more devoted stal-- err pets. I learned she was coming back from her right before she came back. I was able to serve her right away helping to gather information on the hypno scene and how things had changed since she had been gone.  I was over the moon happy to do this for her.  My day job had started to really suck from a satisfaction stand point.  At night I was very happy to have her hypnotic voice back in my life..

Being able to send her gifts to make her smile made me so happy again. Shortly after her return I started tithing to her again.  Being single makes doing something like that simply a decision I make.. I chose a reasonable percentage and started giving to her every pay check. It was a wonderful decsion.. it made me feel so connected to her.  The stead act I think is a better measure of devotion then one big tribute.  It doesn't have to be much, but doing it consistently and for a long time says a lot. I would send her a letter, with a hand written note on blue paper, with the cash wrapped inside.

I got such a rush of pleasure everytime I sent one of the envelopes.  I also wrote, and still do write every not from my knees.  She doesn't see me, but the act of it feels so good..

Things have progressed in a wonderful fashion with Goddess Darla.. I will catch up on the blog in parts instead of one giant wall of text.. but all good things.

Coincedently around the same time She came back, my Doctor put me on a Paleo type diet in an effort to control my blood sugars and loose some weight.

I miss her..

I do.. so very much... getting lost in her voice and her eyes... via her videos and her recordings can be magical.. but it can also create such an unquenchable desire... a relentless need that can not be fullfulled...

it leaves me in this blue limbo of need and desire for something I can only very rarely have.. if even then if even that lucky...

<sigh>  yet to ache in and of itself can still feel soooo good.

Perhaps one day I'll find a Goddess in my day to day life and drop to my knees in front of her.. until then my nights are filled with longing for Goddess Darla and her control... her power...

Awake and Ache..

I don't know if I was thinking about her in my dream, or it's just the first thing that popped in my mind, her mind? this morning.. All I could think about is Goddess Darla... serving her.. aching for her..

I was up early enough to trance for a bit before showering and heading off to work.. part of me was afraid of listening to Blue Balls.. as I was already hard from just thinking of her, but I know that when i'm aroused i'm weak and serve her well.. so i listened anyway.. surprised I didn't cry.. although I came close to tears as the frustration built... building... that word has such  a new meaning to me..

I hope She comes back to the online trance community soon.. i so want to just be devoted and committed to her, to make her life better.. So a smile is accross her face more than a frown..

So commonly I fantasize about being her servant.. greeting her from her day with dinner and a foot massage.. taking chores out of her life so she can focus on what she wants, so she can relax when she wants, or work out at the gym.. just making her happy makes me so happy.. the idea of being there for her.. of gettting to be there with her.. <sigh>