Giving in to the fantasy...

I am so wrapped up in having blue balls for Goddess Darla.. to ache for her, to wimper and moan in frustration and know it pleases her... I can ache, I can take the pain... The sensitive balls.. Making her happy is intoxicating. Being caught in the middle of two wants, of pain and pleasure is incredible..

Trancing for her is so soothing, and yet she teases me.. brings me to the edge.  Then back down.. She enjoys the torment.. I both want release, but dont' want release because she enjoys my frustration. It's only the worst when she's teasing me.. Of course it's only the best when she's teasing me..

Caught in the middle.. I become so aroused at the thought of her.. when I see her tweet, when I see her face.. I get so aroused.. so turned on..

To touch her skin, to kiss her lips..

To simply drop to my knees and kiss her toes..

worship her feet...

the very ground she walks on..

She has me right were she wants me.. weak with desire... obeidient beyond all reason..

I want release, but at the same time and to a greater degree I want to be held by her power and used for her pleasure..

Logic is left behind for Lust, desire, and pleasure...

Tease Me, Please You, Deny Me..

So Goddess Darla recently went camping and came up with a quite devious T&D script. My interest was peaked, as this is a fun fun topic, and getting lost in her is very fun.  I think I realize my type is the caring Dom with a devious dark streak.  I think she fits the bill, add in a sweet voice and a craving for all things blue.. yeah I know..

So after listening.. I found my self falling back into the lust when I first came across her.. The fun feeling of that first fall.. Listening to it a few times.. feeling the urge to tweet and e-mail with her only lead me to feel more and more obedient and under her spell.. The urges.. the desire is quite real.. alas it leads me to a similar fork the road.

She's a Pro.

She's on the other side of the country.

She's temptation, and while the idea of asking to be one of her pets.. to earn a place in her temple.. to worship and adore her is quite enticing.. Call me greedy. I want more, and I want less.

When it comes to interacting with Pro Doms, my role is clear.  I'm a sub.  I might fall into thier spell for a time, but I'm never full taken by them.  I can't be.  There's a part of me that is very un sub like.. it is very not a slave... It is very, very Alpha.

To look at a woman I know, I like.. To get in touch with that animalistic part of yourself.. To embrace the lust and the desire.  To give in to the need, not to bow to her control, but to give up all control.  To take her, to take her body, to kiss, to lick, to penetrate her.. Consumed by need. Most women like to be taken by their man, by a man. I'd wager to say many Dom's even enjoy it.. I mean when she's getting fucked by her alpha Male Bull, he's seldom a thoughtful sensuous lover..

So I know I want, no I need a woman who isn't a pro, but who also isn't just a Dom. Who isn't just a sub, who is as I am complex. Who is real.

Sure Pros are real, I get that.. and I could have a great experience, but I'd never feel like I was fully giving myself to them, because I can't.. or at least I don't. Why?  It all comes down to this..

How can I fully give myself to someone who does not fully give themselves to me?

How can I be all in, when they have so many toes in so many pools?

So I feel I can't be her pet, but I can be her sometimes stray that comes around from time to time...

Perhaps...

Perhaps I am not a submissive.. just a switch capable of submission.

I see these amazing Dominant women, and I fall with lust, with desire, with craving.  It rages and grows.  It wains and fades.  At least with those from the ether.  I do crave a dominant, intelligent, deviously, sly and beautiful woman.  Yet only if she truely desires me, and not just the role I can play. 

It is hard to find, and yet the search continues.. perhaps I'll have more luck finding one that hasn't yet blossomed into all that she could be and together we find out what could be.

Rage on...

Am I the only submissive that hates it when a Dom calls someone submitting to them worthless, pathetic, or something similar. 

All it does to me is make me less submissive, and turns on the switch inside.  I loose respect for the Dom. I loose interest. It is weakness personified to me.

Submission is an act of strength and trust. It is an expression of loyalty and an exchange of power.

<sigh>  I'll add more later.. I just needed to get this simple thing off my chest.

The only constant is change...

In fact the definition of Equilibrium is not balance, but equal change.

I just changed the title of the blog, I had updated the description a bit ago.  The blog has been about more than just my service to Mistress Haylee for some time now.  I look back fondly on a time when I was all hers, but things change.  Reality creeps into the online fantasy that can hold so much joy and self discovery. 

They are real facets of our existence now, but they are not the same as our day to day existence.


I'm not writing this to offend, but merely to keep a track of my own journey both to satiate others curiousity and to have this stay as a reminder to myself where my head was at, and how it got from point A to point B and all the little points on the road there.  It is the journey that makes all the difference and not the destination.  I like to see both where I am, and how I got there...

No offense was ever intended...

and now back to our regularly scheduled blog, New blog title, same blog place, same blog time.

For the few.. enjoy.

A wave of Blue...

I realized today while watching Cerulean Blue once again... I've tranced to and thought about D.. Goddess Darla every day now since I found her. I have a live session scheduled already.  She does them via Skype and likes to have them go both ways so she can see her vic- er subject.. I'm so totally turned on by this. Her blue eyes are quite captivating... It's pretty sexy when she calls you pet.. it's sweet it's hot, it's pretty nice...

She's got that girl next door kind of vibe quality.  She looks like that quiet smart book worm in class that when you actually meet she has a huge wild side you never would of guessed.. It's fun getting to know someone... It's a bit scary but in the good scary way when you open your mind up to them... Telling a Goddess some of your intimate secrets and fantasies... simply to wonder when she's going to use them.. when she might bring them up... when she might knowingly manipulate you into doing something.. and you can't resist.. I mean you wanted it. You told her about it, but still your nervous, but she knows.. and the fantasy.. the fetish is real..

Surrounded by blue, I can't seem to stop thinking about Goddess Darla...

Goddess.. I like calling her that, it is what she is afterall...

Like a moth to a Flame...

Ok so I admit it... Hypnosis is a big turn on...  It's friggen hot...

Sweet words from a sexy woman.. getting you aroused, infatuated, controlled... A submissive dream... I mean what's not to love?

So Vox get's me to check out the new site... www.femdomdevotionals.com  I finnally do.  I mean it couldn't hurt to look right?  Then I notice a name on their list.. Darla  I click on the link and it's the Blue lipped beauty I've seen before when doing random searches on youtube.. Granted I hadnt' listend to her before...

Now after some free content I'm hooked... well not hooked.. Turned on.... crushing... infatuated...

So loving the idea of a live session... I'd really like a real live session... Don't know if she does that.. I just know when I look deep into her blue eyes... man it's hot.

Yeah it's an addiction, and with Darla I'm in the fun part.. the beginning the hot attracted I wonder so much phase.. her asking questions.. me admiting things ... it's all hot.. It's all good..

Although I was bummed I couldn't send her flowers... that just had a righteous feeling to me..

Soon enough!